Fear Jones

It’s power time.
I am not a victim of fear.
I am not a victim of other people’s notions of me.
I am not a victim of other people’s projections.
Only my own. Well I was, until today.

I felt a vex come down on me today. A familiar vexation of fear. It came down like never before. I saw how I was making this energy of fear into meaning something bad or horrible. I saw how powerful it was to be so scared and so convinced that it means something bad is happening or will happen. I saw that this was a sure way to manifest something bad and horrible into existence. And I also saw that I had a choice. Up until now, I have seen evidence that through strong emotion, intention and belief, I create my reality. This situation was no different. With all the might I could conjure, I proclaimed that I am no longer a victim of fear. I proclaimed that I am no longer a victim, period. I proclaimed that I choose joy! Even though I was crying and still felt like crap, I proclaimed living and experiencing joy! (At that point, I was yelling at the top of my lungs.) I proclaimed that all aspects of myself, all the places where I feel scattered and broken, will now function healthily and cohesively toward one focus. That focus is living a dynamic life. Ah, that felt good! Then I started to notice the little thoughts in my mind, which eventually turn into big thoughts in my mind, like:
Well what will he think?
Well what will they think?

I started yelling again.
I AM ONLY HELD TO MYSELF! I AM HELD TO MY HEART, MY SOUL, MY WISDOM, MY INTEGRITY, MY INTUITION, MY KNOWLEDGE, MY LIFE! MYYYYY LLLIIIFFFEEEE! MYSELF!

I really meant it. It felt like I really ‘got’ all of that for the first time. There are other important personal proclamations I made that I will keep private. I felt so much better! I no longer felt vexed. I felt a completion, fulfillment and wholeness. I was spending so much time focusing on other people’s opinions, that I scattered myself into incohesive pieces. I scattered myself into an entity other than myself.

As far as fear goes, well, it reminds me of a line in the movie Love Jones. Savon, played by Isaiah Washington, says to Darius, played by Lorenz Tate, ‘When that jones comes down, it’s a mothafucka!’ The jones of fear came down. And it can be a mothafucka, or not. It’s up to me.